A note to self

Dearest me,

There are things around you that makes you upset. Tomorrow there will be more things to drag you down. I know you are worried. I know you are confused, depressed and lost. But it’s all right. People will tell you not to worry…they will say plenty of reason  to stop worrying…. You listen to them. If you are convinced, fair enough. If you are not, don’t be late but start worrying again. There is nothing wrong with worrying. There is nothing wrong with being confused…it’s not bad to be desperate… Then why u hide that ?

These all make the ultimate ‘U’. They are all part of you…You feel like crying ? Do it. Don’t stop your tears.
You feel like shouting ? Scream… No shame.

Its all within in you. It’s wrong to keep it within you. It’s wrong to suppress with in you. Why you want to look like you are happy when you are not ? Why you want to lie to others and most importantly to yourself ?

If you are sad…be sad. Be what you are. Stop behaving what you are not. Stop showing off. You don’t have to impress everyone. Impress yourself. Be true to you.  The more real you are the more you worth.

What I will do if I know am going to die tomorrow ?



What if I have no more days left but just today ? What I will do today ?

Today is going to be my last day…and today has to be counted as the day I lived most. Yes. I am going to fear less and act more. I am going to worry less and laugh more. I am going to envy less and love more. My last day wish list doesn’t include any adventures…It just has some simple things which I wanted to do every day but I couldn’t yet.

I will call up my father and tell him that he is the one I love the most and I will send my diary to him. I wish he will understand me even then. I will call my mom and tell her that I will miss her. I will call my sister and thank her for being a wonderful sister and will send her all my shoes and bags. I will call my brother and tell him that he can use my room and he can stop finding guys for me. I will send all my beauty accessories to my niece aami. I will start a savings account for my second niece Pepper as her father(my brother) is a spendthrift.

I will send a note to my ex saying ‘I forgive you for not letting me to be myself. And am sorry for showing up in your life”. I will send a card to my best friend in Qatar and tell him that I love him for being such a great friend always. I will send a note to my ex manager and my current manager for being nice people. I will give all my clothes to my new good friend Lerry, because we share similar taste.(you can alter it and use )

Finally, I will fly to wherever he is, and will marry him. So that I can die peacefully, as his wife.

Lesson 2 – Being myself

These days I have been thinking a lot about myself. It’s almost year end and am nearing to my birthday, so I just thought of counting the years I have really lived…lived for myself. And I couldn’t it make the count to not even one year. Alarming …it is!!!

I haven’t done any forbidden sins that bible quotes. I haven’t hurt anyone. I haven’t done anything against my conscience till now. But still I haven’t done anything for myself. Whatever I have done till now is what I have been asked to do..by society, by parents, by friends. The other things I have done by myself was to please someone else. And, in my life till now I have faced this problem of ‘difficulty in saying no’.

What else one needs for suppressing their own personality? Are we losing our own personality ? No…,may be not revealing our own personality is the problem. There is no point in finding why are we behaving like this. The postmortem result is definitely going to be any of these:

1. We are conditioned to act in a certain way
2. Our minds and conscience has been tuned to respond to others feelings than one’s self.
3. We are afraid of society

I still argue with my mother on one thing. There are many things that we argue on but the one thing I could never accept even after thinking from her side was, she says ‘a man has to live for others happiness, not his own’. It sounds great. It’s very difficult but if everyone thinks this way then I think we don’t need another heaven above our head. But why I couldn’t accept this is, in this world the one who lives only for others happiness will always be exploited. Nothing else. I have experienced that many times. Even my mother had. But she still believes in it. And I still don’t. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care for other’s happiness.But what I say is that the priority is our own happiness.

Why can’t we think ‘what we really want’ before we commit on something or someone ? Why can’t we just say ‘No’ to someone or something if we don’t agree to that ? Why can’t we do what we love to do if that doesn’t hurt anyone else ?

It says there is nothing impossible for a living man. So why don’t we try on this ? Now I know what I have to do about this.
1. Next time when someone asks me to do something, am definitely going to ask myself, “Do I really want to do this? Or am I doing this just to please someone?”
2. Next time when I take a decision in my life, am going to ask myself, “ Am I really happy with this ? Or am I doing this to make someone else happy?”
3. Next time when I disagree with someone, I am going to say ‘No’ rather than simply agreeing on anything.

Because, hiding one’s personality is same as not having a personality. And how long can one exist without a personality ? Rise up. Rise up for yourself.

Lesson 1 - How to take decision



I have lived only 26 years. That doesn’t mean that I am dead, but that am on my 26th year of living. But for last few years I was very disturbed because I was unable to read myself most times. I was trying hard to understand what I really am, what I want and for what am I living? I can just ignore these questions and move on. It’s the easiest way to deal with this. But I have walked through that easiest way many times till now, and I succeed but for a short time. I could forget about this for some days, months or weeks but it always came back to me. And the more I ignore the stronger was the return. So I decided to deal with the questions. Not all at once, but one by one. And I started working on the first job of identifying my personality. I wondered for knowing a lot negatives about me and less positives. But it is fine. Because I have enough time to work on my negatives.

My first problem that I could find out was the difficulty in taking decision. I struggled with my memory trying to figure out some situations where I really had took my own decision and I found none. It was very alarming for me to know that I haven’t taken a single decision in my life in last 26 years. I just looked around, I looked at my friends, I looked at their lives. As far as I know, they were in similar state. Now, as I found that most people in my generation face the same problem, I could blame the society for their over involvement in our lives…I could blame our parents for the over concern and care and mostly for the less confidence in letting us to take a decision….I could blame ourselves for always getting attracted to the comfort in forgetting about ourselves and going for our parents decisions. I could blame many others too. But I won’t. No that at least I decided to work on my problem in taking decisions; I realize that the first step is to stop scratching on what went wrong but to investigating on what can make it right.

Yes. That’s the first step. Adopt the confidence to face anything and everything that comes up as an after effect of your decision. It’s very simple to say. Simpler to writeJ. But there is this famous saying, if there is a will there must be a way.
And there is a way. However crucial the decision is, try to find a backup in case the decision goes wrong. And if that is not possible, then believe that God exists and He see you.

Second step is to get some time, at least 10 mins before you take the decision. Think logically. Write down the pros and cons. Write it down on a paper. Think emotionally. Weigh the pros and cons as per your emotion. If you think that even if the possibility of success is only 1%, but your emotions want you to do it then do it. There is no logic, there is no reasoning, and there is no arithmetic in life. It’s just emotions. Life is a bunch of emotions.

Third step is to decide. DO IT. Never push it for tomorrow. It will just eat up your energy, put you in stress and make you weaker. Do it today, do it now.

Fourth and final step is not to look back. Once you decided, find the possibilities to move forward. If you are stuck find a way out. If you are lost, just think about the emotion you had when you took the decision. That’s enough to move on.

So this is what I am going to do now. Let me fix this first. I shall definitely write more on this… I shall write how I succeed.

Happy Birthday Kerala…

Till today in my life, I have wished many times that I was not born in kerala. Itis not because of the place but the people. But now I am able to accept this place like this. After all ….people, culture and traditions together make a place. There is no point in just pointing out the reasons why shouldn’t someone love kerala even though there are many. But I realize that there are more reasons to love this place. And I do love it. So wishing Kerala, my land a very happy birthday and thanking Parasurama for revealing this beautiful place

That rain called Mehul

It was raining when I woke up. I looked out of my window just to see the rain drenched gulmohar in my yard. That is the best view I can ever have, or I have ever had. I thought of waking up and getting out to the yard to make sure that my bakula has flowered even in rain. Then I felt a muscular arm around me, holding me closer and tight. The same way it was when I hugged him for the first time. It was raining then too. His arms where muscular then too, and he was holding me closer and tighter. Nothing has changed. It’s not true that time can change everything. Not even time can change some things. Because they are not meant to be changed. They are made to be forever. They are made as a wonder. They are made to make things better…Just like rain.The only wonder of nature that can make things better. The only thing that can make me happy. Yes, he too is a rain. I ignored my yard, turned towards him and hugged him. Behind me, my gulmohar and bakula too were getting drenched in rain.

What I found the purpose of life is.

Friday 26 July 2013 at 5:44am

There are certain things that I want to scribble down. Like my thought on, the creation of mankind. It sounds big...something that I cant handle!!! But thats fine. This is just my take on it. So here it is...
It says God has created man on the seventh day . For last six days he was continuously creating stuffs. Stuffs like earth, trees and animals. This is what bible says. I believe in it. Its right. Bible also says that on seventh day God felt that he want to create something that has similar shape and features like him. I believe that too. But I think there is something more...if God just wanted to see someone like him, why did he give them the power to reproduce? He would have been satisfied by seeing Adam and Eve. If not, he would have been satisfied in all this time. It has been so long since he created man.
So what happened is, God created stuffs for saix days and when he saw his creations, he was so proud. So he wanted to have something that can access the value of his creations, appreciate it and enjoy it. So decided to create something which can think and analyze...in short something with brain. But he was so tired after six days of work. We all know how it feels like. Working continuously for six days! So he didnt think much. He didnt forsee the after effects. He didnt figure out what all something with brain and 70-80 years of life span can do. He never even thought that the output of his seventh day's work, the ultimate of all creations, would differentiate themselves based on the skin color. He never expected that man would divide earth and make boundaries based on vegetation. He never thought that one man would enjoy by exploiting another man. His only intention was to make man enjoy the wonderful things that he has created, by living a quality life.
I respect his intention. And I think, even though something went wrong in between, man is the best of all creations. And our purpose is to live good, and help others to live good. God never distinguished us. He wanted everyone to be equal, with similar shape features and amenities. So its us who can help. Basically that what the purpose of our life. Live good and help others to.

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)