It was recently that I got interested in blogging… well just the ‘reading’ blogs. And I started reading personal blogs, and fashion blogs as m too fashionable, and creative blogs as creativity is in my veins as this my kind of stuff and didn't move to technology or satire types because of lack of interest. Very soon I started my own blog too (uff finally ended up in so called 'writing'). Well, this one itself. And wrote almost 5 to 6 posts that too in an interval of months. My love was too happy to see me writing as he thinks I can write well, because he see a spark in me and even my father is locally famous writer.
so this is my life story
When I was a kid my dream was to be a writer…. without even knowing what and how it is (a perfect dream). Well, even now I don’t think that I know anything about writing. But like every other average person, I too dream that I write something a day, it would be clicked and I would be famous and liked and can build confidence in me. What’s wrong in dreaming, anyway!!! But the point is, once am out of that dream I forget about writing. I know this shows lack of passion… but I want to point out some more reasons for giving least consideration to dreams.
I come from a middle class, orthodox Christian family. I was brought up in an environment where I was sent to a girls school and was not supposed to engage in any extracurricular activities. Loved dancing and was pretty good at it although I was a non-trained dancer, with a prefect body structure.But my father found the ‘art of dancing’ doesn't suit to the nobility of our family so I quit (killed my passion) . I remember winning some school level prizes on story writing but neither I was self motivated nor I was encouraged by anyone, so I didn’t write after that. I was always a smart girl in school and won the title of school head through election but my smartness, confidence and comfort in dealing with people just got reversed once as soon as I stepped out of that girl’s territory. I was sent to a mixed school for plus two, as I opted for commerce which was not there in my girl’s school and started behaving like an introvert from the first day in my new school. I was never comfortable with talking or making friends with guys (as non was of my type). I don’t know why but was just NOT comfortable… that’s it. Well and I am very much loyal to this behavioral pattern as I still follow it… or may be unable to come out of it!!! I think this is the only thing in life that lasted for long J. The major take away from my 12 years school life is – Insecurity, lack of confidence, fear of being laughed at and quick trust build up in everything and everyone.
So my point is lack of confidence and fear of being laughed at keeps me away from my dreams.
I should say this that I was just sort of lucky with my studies. Never scored a good mark in class test but my parents and teachers were always happy once the board results are out and then, used to behave like I was just doing time pass in class tests. I never had any ambition. (Or may be my ambition is handicapped by my laziness...?? Am not sure) I know how it sounds, but that’s the truth. I wonder whether there are people like me who never ever had any ambition in their life!!! I usually do not say this to others, again because of the fear of being laughed at!!! I passed out from school and suddenly found interested in the field of mass communication, may be because it was in trend. But again, the nobility of my family and the less safe and secure work environment for a lady, stood the two big fat reasons for me quit and continue with commerce studies. There is no hope although I knew I could have easily bagged a seat in the most of the famous college in my state. That place was very much like a pool of vibrant beautiful and rich people. as I was a normal girl who fell in love with a blue t-shirt wearing guy in my first year itself. I don’t want to detail about my unsuccessful love story (or may a horrible) of long 7 years. I was in hostel and my NRI wanted to join MBA, so I too decided.. Wrote entrance, I passed, I joined MBA, got placed soon after which was not a big deal.
So my point is I didn't even thought about writing something all these years. And am reluctant to have a fresh start. Lack of confidence !!!
Now working in an IT company, have lost interest in everything. Now the only thing I do is to go office and sleep once am back. I don’t even think about my dream anymore. Basically, the intention behind writing the above three paragraphs is to convince my love that I have my own reasons in not following my childhood dream. And am pretty comfortable with my not so happening life. If u want to drag me out of my cocoon it’s going to be your life’s challenge L. So my dear, I would say 'I had a dream. But now am awake'.
With love
Me.
