Papa's white canvas
Papa was an artist. I wont call him a painter but he was an artist. And he was like anyother artist who rarely cuts his hair, comes out of his room and very rarely talks to anyone....but that didnt matter to me. I was always proud of him. And I loved those colors he put in his canvas. He always had a plain white canvas in his room...before he makes use of one, he makes sure that another will take that place. And that plain white canvas was treated as the most valuable thing in that room. I never understand why. I never asked either.
I thought I would be just like him when I grow up and I will draw my dreams, I will give colors to my dreams, and I will give them wings. And my son would be so proud of me.... Never matter.Today neither I have a dream nor a son.
But there is still one white canvas in my room. And it reminds me of an unfinished art, an upstarted work, a help seeking hand, a call from life....which tells me that are miles to go. I dont know what the white canvas meant for papa. Neither do I know what it means to you...but its true, u too have a plain white canvas with you. Draw your dreams, give them colors...give them wings
Sometimes people doesn't stay in your life..but the things they have given does. Those memories does. And the changes that they have brought in you also does. Every non human part of a relationship lasts for long, except the relationship itself. And all this non human parts add to your definition. Definition changes, people changes, relationships changes....things stay !!!
I remember reading that long love letters in wrinkled torn old notebook which my granny kept like her most expensive ornament. And it made me envisage a turkey prince who loved my granny and who fought for her. And I wondered whether the fighter turkey prince looked like my grandpa ? I never asked granny anything more about the prince. Neither did she told me intentionally but he was there in all her bed time stories. And I used to fall asleep dreaming my granny and prince riding on a horse.
And I grew up with her stories, with her letters and with a deep faith in the same love which was imprinted on that notebook papers. when I met my first love, I was so keen to write letters for him as I knew the intensity of writing down your feelings on paper. But my prince never had a chance to read a love letter, because whenever I feel like writing it, I type it down and send a text msg. And reading my messages, gave him the same feeling I used to get whenever I read my granny’s notebook. Well I think that’s how it should be, as feelings cannot change with respect to change in the way you express it. Granny belonged to an age of papers and I belong to an age of smart phones. And I can’t imagine how my children would express their feeling of love. And if I say my granny’s bed time stories to my children they will never be able to understand it. So I just read them an online bedtime story, till they fall to deep sleep. But I still wish, if there is a turkey price, let my child have him, whom neither my granny nor I could ever meet.
When things go wrong, and boss behaves like neighbor’s dog, I think of giving a shit and following my dream
Then my mind starts this deadening process of recalling what was my dream
Well I had some dream when I was young,
I had a dream when I was a teenager…
Well am no more a teenager but that doesn’t mean that I can’t dream
Now it’s not the dream thing that am concerned about…it’s my age which is disproportionate to my total body weight and salary
Well, that’s ok because at least I have one number with me that increases every year
But it’s not always ok, when a cute guy at office asks you, your work exp, and u very well know that his intension is to calculate your age
And it’s not ok when you see your juniors at work place and they show unneeded respect
And it’s not at all ok when your niece calls u ‘Aunty’ in public even after telling her 100 times not to
Hell to my age…I don’t care about it as far as my dad calls me baby and my boy friend calls me babes
Now everything turned to boy friend
And I started searching answers for how ? why ? when ? and till when ?
And stopped immediately as I felt the symptoms of a mild attack
And now it seems much easier to think how to handle my boss.
Why do we need to work on our relationship ?
Relationships are not made in heaven.Its made by you and me. Sometimes intensionally. Sometimes unintensionally.
Thats why it always tend to break. But its not just the you and me who breaks the relation. Its you, me and the people around us.
Girl's part :
She is always worried about the security part...
Will she be able to love him till end ? will he love her till end ? If something goes wrong, will her family be there with her ? Will she ever repent for her decision ?.....too many worries :(
Other than this there is something more that eats up a girl's mind...
She believes that her parents can always find someone better than her choice...its not that she believes so..but her parents made her believe by always finding faults in guys she finds. And promising her that they will find a prince for her...its a different story that the prince they find would be 5+ year older than her, would be having enough bank balance but torn shirts faded pants hairless head and huge tummy.
Its true that parents would be there with her till they die, but just to make sure that she has enough money to live, she is worshiping the same god, and her children is speaking same language....
Why would she spoil her life with someone whom she can never love, and who will never love her. I dont say that love would be there till end even if she married her boy friend, but it should be there atleast for sometime....she deserves to be with someone whom she thinks she should be with.
Thinking about all this she is worried and not confident to move on with the relationship....
So 'she' - your fault is that you always worry about what will happen tomorrow and not ready to take up anything that comes your way....not ready to leave your comfort zone for your love !!!
Boy's part :
Boys part is pretty less as 80% of the boys are ready to or rather hurry to be with the love of their lives.
Their first wrong step is that when they see only she and she as their life and nothing else matters for them...
So if its a campus affair...he will not concentrate on his studies...will not be interested in finding a job or never even think about settling down in life which is so important for his she.
This atittude of a guy will never go with a girls security worries and finally ends up in break up.
If its a matured releationship, then he thinks that she will easily be a part of his environment, without understanding that she is from a totally different place and coming in alone, trusting him and him only. She deserves to be treated as an angel not as a private property with life time waranty.
So 'he' - your fault is that you try to make her a part of you, but you not ready to be a part of her. And if something goes wrong you blame her and will never accept that it is your fault too, which will make her hate you more.
Parent's part :
Dad and Mom...you too play a major role here.
You are ready to accept someone whom you find in a matrimonial site or a news paper ad but not even ready to speak to your daughter's boy friend, whom she believes good for her.
You are ready to be with your daughter in all her good and bad times if she marries the one you say, but not the one she loves !!!! Isnt that selfish ?
You ask your daughter to adjust and compromise in arranged marriage, and why you blame her is she has to do the same in love marriage ?
Dad and Mom - your fault is that, you had a time to choose your partner..you compromised there, went for an arranged one and now you want to choose a partner for your daughter !! Its her turn now. Respect her and let she choose for herself.
yeaterday i was a bird. i could fly. i flew over land, mountain and ocean. i flew above clouds. i flew with the wind towards the sun. i flew above clouds towards stars.
yesterday i was a bell. i rang and i rang. i rang as if the thunder hits and i rang as if the twister blows. i rang into that world of those who loved silence. i rang into myself to make sure that i exist.
yesterday i was a river. i was always flowing. i took off footprints from all shores. i took off the memories of those who touched me. i took off your tears,your past and all your bad dreams.
yesterday i was a girl. i ate,i drank, i was cause of someones pleasure, then i died.
today am nothing. i have no wings. i have no sound. am dry.still dead.
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